5 NFL Super Bowl betting tips - IntelligentBettingTips.com
5 NFL Super Bowl betting tips - IntelligentBettingTips.com
Super Bowl 2020 Prop Bets: Odds, Betting Lines For 49ers
Quick Guide to Betting Super Bowl XLVII - 4Flush.com
Kansas City Chiefs vs San Francisco 49ers: Betting Tips
Super Bowl 2020 betting guide: Odds, prop bets, tips
Will the Tennessee Titans win OVER/UNDER 8.5 games? By University Stats Prof!
Tennessee’s season completely turned around once they benched quarterback Marcus Mariota in favor of Ryan Tannehill. After a 2-4 start, the Titans won seven of their final 10 games to sneak into the playoffs as the 6th seed in the AFC. Fun fact: it was the fourth straight season that the Titans finished with a 9-7 record! In the playoffs, they knocked off the defending Super Bowl champions New England Patriots, as well as the top seed in the conference, the Baltimore Ravens. Derrick Henry ran like a mad man in those games, becoming the first player in NFL history to rack up at least 175 rushing yards in two games in the same postseason. In the AFC Conference Championship Game, Tennessee grabbed a 17-7 lead in the second quarter, but couldn’t hold off the Chiefs any longer in a 35-to-24 defeat.
2. Offensive Position-by-Position Breakdown
2.1 Quarterbacks (QBs) Ryan Tannehill was clearly one of the best Cinderella stories in 2019. After taking over as the starting QB over Marcus Mariota, he led the league in QB rating. He crushed his previous career-high in completion percentage with as astounding 70.3%; his personal best was 66.4% in 2014. During his first six years in Miami, he posted a 123:75 TD:INT mark. That equates to a 1.64 ratio. In 2019, he threw 22 TD passes versus 6 interceptions, which amounts to a 3.7 ratio. As you can see, once again he obliterated his past numbers. The team thinks he can keep playing at that level after handing him a hefty contract. I do believe he’ll do a good job in 2020, but not at the 2019 levels, obviously. As of now, the backup QB is Logan Woodside since Mariota signed with the Raiders. Woodside was drafted in the 7th round of the 2018 draft out of Toledo. During preseason games, he completed 46-of-76 passes (a 60.5% completion rate) for 539 yards with 4 TDs and no interception. It’s hard to tell what he can bring to the table. 2.2 Running Backs (RBs) Derrick Henry was a true beast last year. He won the rushing title with 1,540 rushing yards and 16 TDs on the ground (he added two more as a receiver). His 5.1 yards-per-carry average is mind-boggling considering the high volume. He didn’t slow down in the playoffs. After rushing for 182 yards in New England, he single-handedly destroyed the Ravens with 195 rushing yards. He was quieter in K.C. by accumulating 69 yards on the ground. Few people remember how he finished the previous year on a high note as well. In the final four meetings of the 2018 season, he averaged 146 rushing yards and 1.75 rushing TDs per contest. Obviously, he followed up with a season to remember. Henry’s numbers have steadily increased every single year since he joined the league in 2016. Now 26 years old, defensive coordinators must be getting up at night to game plan against him. Dion Lewis was a nice change-of-pace back, even though he didn’t have a great year. At least he had NFL experience, which is not the case of the remaining potential backup backs. Both Dalyn Dawkins and David Fluellen are undrafted guys who have combined for 19 rushing attempts in the league. Tennessee filled a need by drafting Darrynton Evans in last April’s draft. The third-rounder complements Henry’s skillset well, as Evans can spell him on passing third-down situations (a role that used to be played by Dion Lewis). Also, he isn’t great running inside the tackles due to his small size, but he is more of a change-of-pace runner who has home-run hitting capacities. 2.3 Wide Receivers (WRs) Rookie A.J. Brown was hyped as a big-play guy, and he did not disappoint. He didn’t catch that many balls, but when he did he made the most of it. The Mississippi product led all receivers that caught at least 50 passes with a jaw-dropping 20.2 yards-per-catch average. He scored 8 TDs, while also topping the 1,000 receiving-yard mark (he had 1,051). Will former #5 overall pick Corey Davis live up to his draft status? It seems unlikely after watching his first three years as a pro. He raised hopes by posting a 65-891-4 receiving line in 2018, but he regressed to 43-601-2 last year. Talent and youth play on his side, though. He may not be a true No. 1 wideout, but he can clearly do the job as a number two or three receiver. Adam Humphries is an efficient, yet not explosive player. He is good to pick up key first downs. He caught more than 70% of his targets in his final two years in Tampa, and he reached that goal once again in his first season in Tennessee. Was he worth a four-year deal worth $36 million? Probably not, but having him as your slot receiver is a bonus. His numbers were down last year, but he will be a useful tool as a 27-year old this year. Tajae Sharpe also made a nice contribution last year with 25 receptions, 329 yards and 4 TDs. He was a nice luxury to have on your roster, but he signed with the Vikings during the offseason. 2.4 Tight Ends (TEs) Jonnu Smith and Delanie Walker received the most playing time at tight end. Walker did a decent job, but father time seems to have caught up to him. After being very durable for 11 years, he stayed healthy for just one game in 2018 and seven games last year. Accordingly, the team cut ties with him as he was going to enter his age-36 campaign. Walker’s absence gave more room for Jonnu Smith to shine. The 2017 third-rounder has seen his numbers increase every year. His 35-439-3 receiving line is nothing to write home about. He could make a jump in 2020, but don’t expect huge steps. Anthony Firkser will be back with the squad. He doesn’t have the size and speed to become a great TE, but he does a fine job for a guy that was never drafted. MyCole Pruitt will be the #3 TE. He has never caught more than 10 passes in any of his five years in the NFL. Enough said. 2.5 Offensive Line (OL) Ben Jones has done a great job at the pivot throughout his entire eight-year career. He raised his game to a higher level last year by finishing at the second-best center in the NFL according to PFF grades. He’s been an awesome pickup when acquired from the Texas a few years ago. Right tackle Jack Conklin broke the bank in Cleveland, which left a glaring hole in Tennessee. He was a very solid player, and Dennis Kelly or Isaiah Wilson will try to fill his shoes. Kelly has received his two best PFF grades of his seven-year career in 2018 and 2019, which is a good sign. However, he doesn’t play at the same level as Conklin. The organization figures to have a better chance at replacing Conklin adequately with Isaiah Wilson, who was taken late in the first round of this year’s draft. This guy weighted close to 400 pounds coming out of high school! He is a mauler. The rookie needs work for both his footwork and technique, which led to uneven play in college. He has exceptional physical traits and high potential, but may not be great right from the start. At left tackle, Taylor Lewan is a cornerstone of this offensive line. He’s been good his whole career, never receiving a PFF mark below 76.4, which is remarkable! Rodger Saffold is the starting left guard for the Titans. He ranked as the sixth-best guard in the NFL last year; needless to say he’s been a valuable piece of the puzzle for this franchise. The weakest link is Nate Davis at right guard. The third-round rookie struggled big-time last year. 2020 VS 2019 OFFENSE The Titans did not make a single free agent acquisition on offense. They lost some depth with the departures of RB Dion Lewis and WR Tajae Sharpe. The team hopes 3rd round pick Darrynton Evans can spell Henry appropriately. The backup QB will also be weaker due to Mariota leaving for Vegas. And despite his advanced age, Delanie Walker was a decent TE, although he only appeared in seven games last year. The biggest loss occurred on the offensive line. Seeing Jack Conklin go to the Jets hurts the team. Rookie Isaiah Wilson will do his best to hold the fort, but he is unlikely to play at the same level as Conklin in his first year as a pro. Finally, how could we expect better production out of Ryan Tannehill in 2020 as opposed to his 2019 heroics? In conclusion, I am tagging the Titans offense with a moderate downgrade in comparison to 2019. Final call (2020 vs 2019): Moderate downgrade
3. Defensive Position-by-Position Breakdown
3.1 Defensive Linemen (DLs) Jurrell Casey is a strong run stuffer, while also averaging 5.7 sacks per year over a nine-year period. He was traded to Denver for cap reasons, which will hurt Tennessee’s interior of the line a lot. With Casey gone, the team will hand a much heavier workload to Jeffery Simmons. After missing the first seven games due to a knee injury, he showed fairly good promise as a #19 overall pick from the 2019 draft. His sophomore year will be critical. The team will also rely on DaQuan Jones to step up his game. He is an above-average DL, whose main strength is defending the run. He only has seven sacks in six years. The Titans lost some depth as Austin Johnson went to the Giants. 3.2 Defensive Ends (DEs) / Edge Rushers (ED) Harold Landry played twice as many snaps in his sophomore year as his rookie season, and he doubled his sack total (going from 4.5 to 9 to lead the team in that category). He graded as the 62nd-best edge defender in the league out of 107 players. He has the potential to take a leap. The team hopes to improve its pass rush by adding Vic Beasley, formerly of the Falcons. His numbers are a bit puzzling. He led the league with 15.5 sacks in his second season back in 2016. Since then, he has posted 5, 5 and 8 sacks. Those are not bad numbers, but they are clearly below expectations coming from a fellow that was the 8th overall selection in the 2015 draft. Also, he is a liability in run defense. In other words, he’s been more name than game recently. Kamalei Correa racked up five sacks despite playing 39% of the snaps. He had just 3.5 sacks over his first three years as a pro. He’s not a game breaker. Reggie Gilbert is a role player. The undrafted guy has 4.5 sacks in three years is no more than depth. 3.3 Linebackers (LBs) Jayon Brown and Rashaan Evans are the leaders of this group. Based on draft status, Evans is supposed to be the superior player, but that wasn’t the case at all last year. Evans received poor marks from PFF with a 47.6 grade; he obtained spot #74 out of 89 LBs. He struggled a lot in coverage and wasn’t that great rushing the passer. He does a fine job defending the run though. As for Brown, his 68.8 PFF grade allowed him to finish as the 20th-best linebacker in the league. His sack total went from 6 in 2018 down to just one a year ago. The former fifth-rounder will try to bring that number back up this season. Wesley Woodyard’s career is clearly on the decline. He lost his starting job, his PFF grades are falling, he’s 34 years old and he is now a free agent after the Titans failed to re-sign him. 3.4 Cornerbacks (CBs) Adoree’ Jackson is the team’s number 1 CB. He was the 18th overall pick from the 2017 draft. Even though he has only two career interceptions, he is still a fairly solid coverage guy. He constantly ranks among the upper tier. Logan Ryan played almost all defensive snaps last year and he filled the scoresheet more than ever in his seven-year career. He had career-highs in tackles (113), sacks (4.5) and forced fumbles (4). He also picked off four passes, his second-best performance. Yet, he graded as an average corner by taking the 62nd rank out of 112 CBs because of ordinary run defense and coverage skills. The Titans couldn’t meet his salary demands, so he left via free agency. Malcolm Butler finished once again in the middle of the pack among all NFL cornerbacks last year. The Super Bowl XLIX hero has seen his PFF grades decrease in each of the past three seasons, but he still manages to intercept 2-4 passes every year. He missed seven games last year with a broken wrist. LeShaun Sims played 30% of the snaps, while producing poor play on the field. He’s never been a good corner, but he still found a new home in Cincinnati when the Bengals signed him in March. The Titans took Kristian Fulton late in the 2nd round this year. Many reports suggest he’ll be an average NFL starter. He is best in man coverage due to his physicality. He lost the entire 2017 season when he was caught trying to tamper with a PED test sample, where he submitted a friend’s urine. 3.5 Safeties (S) Kevin Byard is one of the league’s highest paid safety and he deserves it. He has 17 interceptions over the last three years. In those seasons, his PFF rankings were 4th, 3rd and 10th among close to 90 qualifiers. Byard turned out to be a huge bargain as a former third-round pick out of Middle Tennessee State. Now 27 years old, there is no reason to believe his play will deteriorate in 2020. Kenny Vaccaro is well known among fans, even though his play is not great. He probably gets recognition due to his former first-round status, but his best PFF grade was 66.7 back in 2013. Just to give you an idea, such a mark would have yielded him the #48 spot out of 87 safeties last year. And that was his best season. Amani Hooker played 30% of the snaps last year as a rookie. The Titans had actually traded up to secure his rights during the 2019 draft. He did a decent job, but the jury is still out about the fourth-rounder’s future. 2020 VS 2019 DEFENSE The Titans allowed the 12th-fewest points in the league last year. Should be expect better or worse play in 2020? Jurrell Casey’s presence will be missed in a big way on the interior of the line. Also, not getting CB Logan Ryan back is hardly good news. Overall, he was an above-average corner who was constantly on the field and has been very durable in his career. The only good addition is Vic Beasley. I feel like he’s overrated since his sack numbers are lower than what most people think and due to poor run defense, but he still has valuable pass rushing abilities. Based on this information, I anticipate a small downgrade from this unit. Final call (2020 vs 2019): Small downgrade
4. Regular Season Wins
According to sportsbooks, the Titans are expected to win 8.5 games this season. Should we bet the “over” or the “under”? Here is the methodology I used in order to answer this vital question:
Use BetOnline.ag’s point spreads on all 256 regular season games.
Convert those point spreads into win probabilities.
Simulate each of the 256 games, according to those win probabilities, via the R statistical software.
Repeat the previous step one million times (you get 1M simulated seasons).
Count the proportion of seasons where the Titans won more or less than 8.5 games.
Here are the results:
OVER 8.5 WINS
UNDER 8.5 WINS
Tip: Bet UNDER 8.5 wins Return On Investment (ROI): +12.4% Rank: 22nd-highest ROI out of 32 teams Minimum odds required to bet (i.e. ROI = 0%): +104 Here are BetOnline’s point spreads for the Titans’ 16 regular season games:
HOME: -2 vs BUF, -3 vs CHI, -4 vs CLE, -6 vs DET, -4.5 vs HOU, -2.5 vs IND, -11 vs JAX, -2 vs PIT.
Note: The “Best odds” from the table above were obtained after looking at 13 well-known online sportsbooks on May 18th, 2020. I hope you found this article informative, I've got every NFL team covered so check out my other posts! Have a nice day! Professor MJ
Kickstarter Roundup: Mar 15, 2020 | 30+ Ending Soon (including: Viscounts of the West Kingdom + Tomesaga) & 25+ New This Week (including: Pax Pamir)
What this is:
This is a weekly, curated listing of Kickstarter board game projects that are either:
newly posted in the past 7 days, or
ending in the next 7 days (starting Mar 16) and have at least a fighting chance of being funded.
All board game projects meeting those criteria will automatically be included, no need to ask. (The occasional non-board game project may also sneak in!) Expect new lists each Sunday sometime between midnight and noon PST.
Min / Avg Pledge
Dumpster Fire A fun and fast-paced card game of full of political scandals, treachery, conspiracy, and comeuppance! // Has raised $5,521 of $2,500 so far. (~220%) ☑
VERDUN: STEEL INFERNO VERDUN: STEEL INFERNO: A fast playing card driven game on the epic battle of 1916. Illustrated by the famous WW1 cartoonist TARDI // Has raised €57,368 of €7,000 so far. (~819%) ☑
The Ming Voyages and The March of Progress The Ming Voyages: A Game of Treasure and Conquest for 1 or 2 players. The March of Progress: A 2-player Strategic Micro-wargame // Has raised €23,542 of €12,500 so far. (~188%) ☑
Rival Restaurants: Back for Seconds A board game about competitive restaurant owning. Use your chef's power, cook recipes, and lead your restaurant to gastronomical glory. // Has raised $237,988 of $15,000 so far. (~1586%) ☑
Viscounts of the West Kingdom + Tomesaga Increase your influence across the kingdom in this unique deckbuilding-powered rondel strategy game for 1-4 players. // Has raised $1,005,025 NZD of $23,000 NZD so far. (~4369%) ☑
Ark Worlds: MOBA Card Game Choose your heroes wisely. Ark Worlds is a 2 player, MOBA card game of tactics and resource management that sets up in minutes. // Has raised $3,827 of $500 so far. (~765%) ☑
TopPick: A Party Card Game A party card game that allows players to hire each other for odd jobs, while the applicants sabotage each other with negative traits // Has raised $824 of $150 so far. (~549%) ☑
Trepidation Horror Card Game // Has raised $739 of $800 so far. (~92%)
2 - 5
$25 / $37
Vampire: The Masquerade - Vendetta A competitive card game where you fight to conquer the role of Prince of Chicago as one of the vampire Clans of the Camarilla! // Has raised €101,407 of €40,000 so far. (~253%) ☑
Victim: The Cursed Forest In the cursed forest, you and your friends have to find a way to survive from the evil that will possess anybody in your group. // Has raised $13,628 of $30,000 so far. (~45%)
I’m 31 years old, make $43,000, live in Lexington, KY, and work in State Government.
(I posted another MD here on the sub last July, so this is a follow up!)
Section One: Assets and Debt
$6,029 in 401k (as of 2/20/20). I contribute $60/paycheck to this, no employee match as they are paying into a pension for me. This is from roughly 6.5 years of contributions. This increases a small amount every year automatically (which I set up) and I increase it whenever I get a raise/promotion.
~$13,000 in pension (it’s a lot of work to log into this, so I just guessed). This is only my portion of the contribution. The State also contributes an amount for me, but I’m not sure what that is.
Savings account balance:
$463.28 account A (to pay renters and car insurance)
$172.61 account B (random savings account, kind of a rainy day fund?)
$100.32 account C (for yearly expenses like car maintenance, registration, and taxes, and future trips)
$337.31 account D (a budding emergency fund)
Checking account balance: $231.59 Credit card debt: $0. I paid off a 0% balance earlier in the month and now I’m trying to pay the balances as I use them. I’m trying to use them mainly for monthly charges and less for everyday spending. CC #1 is auto pay for internet, CC #2 is auto pay for Sirius XM radio (quarterly), CC #3 is auto pay for cell phone. I sometimes use CC #3 for everyday purchases, it gets good rewards, but I’m trying not to get sucked into the rewards vortex again. Loan debt: $0. I made my last payment for my car loan and my last student loan in July 2018. I’ve been loan free since then!
Section Two: Income Main Job
Monthly Take Home: $2,350/month (minus all taxes and deductions). I get paid twice a month. Deductions:
401k - $120/month ($60/paycheck)
Health Insurance - $84.86/month ($42.43/paycheck)
FSA - $52/month ($26/paycheck)
Pension - $217.62/month ($108.81/paycheck)
Vision Insurance - $13.12/month (just once a month/one paycheck)
Dental Insurance - $25.26/month (just once a month/one paycheck)
Side Gig Month Take Home: No recurring side gigs. Any Other Monthly Income: None, just the main job take home.
Section Three: Expenses
Rent: $650/month Renters Insurance: $152.20/year Savings Contribution: $100/month to account A, $50/month to account B, $200/month to account C, and $300/month to account D. Investment Contribution: Nothing beyond the 401k. Donations: $5/month to alma mater, $8/month to local NPR station, and then usually $100/year in random other donations. Electric: $47/month Water: $27/month Wifi: $38.59/month Cellphone: $43.45/month (prepaid service, I bought my phone used last year) Netflix: $9.80/month Spotify + Hulu: $10.59/month Extra Apple iCloud Storage: $0.99/month SiriusXM: $42.19/quarter NY Times Crossword: $42.35/year Car Insurance: $553/six months Day 1 - Thursday, 2/20 6:15 am - Rush around as I slept through (maybe snoozed) my alarm. I quickly blend up a smoothie I assembled last night (random greens, peaches, cherries, berries, spinach, and protein powder) and pack up my lunch: spicy pork noodles with peanuts, broccoli, an apple, a banana, and an orange. I also put a little half and half in a jar so I can make coffee at work. I rinse my face, put on Clinique moisture surge moisturizer, pop in some contacts, and brush my teeth. I toss my make up bag in my purse and run out the door. 7:40 am - Get to work a smidge late. I quickly put on some mascara (Tarte Gifted), Cover Girl loose powder, and a random Estee Lauder eyeshadow. I get to work on a project I’ve been working on all week. I also make a cup of coffee and drink my smoothie throughout the morning. 9:30 am - Break time. I make another cup of coffee and work on today’s crossword. Thursdays are always so tricky, so I don’t get too far. Also throughout the work day I listen to podcasts. Today’s line up is Armchair Expert (which I started last month so I’ve been catching up), Up First, and Terrible, Thanks for Asking. 10:00 am - I go ahead and make a credit card payment for my cell phone bill that just posted ($43.45, included in monthly expenses). 12:00 pm - Lunch time. I heat up my lunch and read today’s Money Diary. 99% of the time I bring lunch with me to work. I always eat it away from my desk, to give myself a little break. 12:30 pm - Back to work and more project. I also end up eating a mandarin orange cup (already had at my desk), the apple, and the banana that I packed sometime throughout the afternoon. 4:00 pm - Done with work. When I get back to town to stop at the pharmacy and pick up some prescriptions. I use my FSA card to pay. ($22.91) 4:50 pm - Back to my apartment. I unpack my lunch bag and my tote and try and tidy up a bit. Then I go full lazy and just plop on the couch. My friend N texts me about hanging out, we decide to snack and watch a movie. 6:30 pm - N texts me he’s headed home with the snacks and to come over whenever. I change into comfy clothes and grab a bottle of red wine and a couple ciders to contribute to the mix. 6:45 pm - Get to N and E’s house and there’s already a spread of snacks: chips, chips, more chips, tots, and more (I swear it wasn’t just potatoes, just don’t remember what else there was, haha). I have some wine with my snacks and we decide on “Uncut Gems” to watch. It is good, with a wild ending! 9:30 pm - I head home and try to get things ready for the morning. I do a sink full of dishes, grind some coffee, and pull out my blender to make a smoothie in the morning. Then I wash my face, put on a little Sunday Riley Good Genes, FAB Beauty Ultra Repair Cream, brush my teeth, and take my allergy medicine. 10:30 pm - Finally crawl into bed and work on a crossword for 10 minutes before I turn off the lights. Total spent: $0 Day 2 - Friday, 2/21 5:15 am - Up with my alarm today. I hop out of bed and put away the clean dishes from last night, set up the electric kettle for coffee and then go take a shower. 5:30 am - After showering I put on a serum and Clinique moisture surge moisturizer. I also put a little ultra repair cream on my forehead (I have a very dry/sensitive spot there, I avoid putting most other products on it) and my nose, trying to keep my whole face happy is hard. I sit on the couch for a few minutes while I drink my coffee and watch the news. Eventually I get up, put in my contacts, put on mascara (Milk Kush), elf Primer Putty, Cover Girl concealer, Cover Girl loose powder, a shade from the Naked 3 palette, and a little swipe of the FAB Beauty ultra repair lip therapy. 6:15 am - I make a smoothie (greens, peaches, cherries, berries, and protein powder) and add some frozen broccoli to a stir fry I made earlier in the week. I pack both of those up with a mandarin orange cup, an apple, and a strawberry watermelon seltzer water. I get dressed, brush my teeth, make a cup of coffee to take with me, and tie up the garbage to take out. 6:40 am - It is freezing outside so I bundle up and grab all of my things to leave. I drop my garbage off as I walk to my car. 7:15 am - I mobile order Starbucks on my way to work so I swing by and pick it up. I got a grande Americano with a splash of cream and extra cinnamon powder. I loaded $30 onto my card in January so I use that to pay ($3.13 + $1.00 tip). I always go to Starbucks on Fridays as a way to celebrate the end of the week. I try and reload my card when a credit card has a cash back offer. CC #1 had a 5% back offer in January, which is why I reloaded then. CC #3 has the offer now, so I’ll probably use that one to reload when my balance runs out. I try not to go any other day, to keep it a treat-y thing. 7:30 am - Get to work and jump straight into it. I drink my Starbucks and get a cup of water. Today’s work podcast lineup is Up First, Armchair Expert, and Why Won’t You Date Me? I also eat a mini Hershey’s bar that I had in my desk. 9:30 am - Break time. I sip my smoothie while I attempt today’s crossword. I also help out a couple of coworkers. 11:30 am - I get up and my earring falls out. I realize I lost the back to it and I retrace my steps and my efforts are futile. I put the earring in my bag so I don’t lose it, but I leave the other one in. 12:00 pm - Lunch time. I heat up my food and, again, eat it while I read today’s Money Diary. 4:00 pm - Leave work. 4:50 pm - Back in town, and it’s happy hour time! I meet E and S at our usual spot. They have drink specials and food specials (always important). I get a glass of red wine, wings, and a side of french fries. 5:30 pm - Squeeze in another glass of wine before happy hour ends. We decide to all head back to E’s house and hang out after we finish up. $29.38 (including tip) 6:15 pm - We walk back to E’s house and enjoy more wine while we hang out. 7:30 pm - Oh no, another bottle of wine appears. 9:45 pm - Finally call myself a Lyft to head home. $7.00 (including tip, I had a promo code that made the ride a little cheaper) 10:00 pm - Home, and I’m so excited to see my couch. I change into comfy clothes and lounge on the couch. I end up finishing an episode of Armchair Expert and put on some old episodes of Catfish. I take out my contacts, swipe a little micellar water on my face, and quickly brush my teeth. I finally get into bed around midnight. Total spent: $36.38 Day 3 - Saturday, 2/22 8:00 am - Not sure why I’m awake, but I take the opportunity to get up, drink some water, and brush my teeth. And then promptly get back in bed. 10:00 am - Ok, this seems more reasonable. Wash my face more thoroughly and moisturize. I move to the couch, with more water, and try and decide the best way to get back to my car. I contemplate a Lyft, but that seems excessive. I put on some more Catfish to entertain myself. Finally I manage to convince my friend to try a new restaurant with me, and then I’ll mooch a ride from them. 12:45 pm - We walk over to Roulay for brunch. It’s brand spanking new and this is their first brunch. It’s a pretty small menu, but everything looks delicious. We get beignets, coffee, fried alligator, waffles, and shrimp and grits.Everything is super delicious and we’re excited to come back and try everything else. $26.46 (including tip) 2:00 pm - Nicely get a ride back to my car and then drive back to my apartment. I do the dishes and continue the momentum by doing my laundry. My building has a washedryer in it and there’s no charge for them, it’s amazing. I do 2 loads of laundry while I catch up on my shows: Grey’s Anatomy, Law & Order SVU, Will & Grace, and probably more. 6:00 pm - Laundry done and put away (always an accomplishment). Shower happens too. 7:30 pm - Brunch really satisfied me and a full meal doesn’t seem appealing. I decide I need some food though, so I pour a bowl of cinnamon frosted flakes. 11:30 pm - Not quite sure what else I did tonight, nothing too productive though. Eventually brush my teeth and get in bed. Total spent: $26.46 Day 4 - Sunday, 2/23 8:00 am - Wake up and lay in bed for a while. Get up and make the bed (I do this every morning). When I get up I make some coffee and drink it while I listen to yesterday’s episode of Up First. I put away the clean dishes and tidy up the kitchen, it can get so crowded and messy throughout the week. 9:00 am - Settle in to finally catch up on This is Us. There is so much happening this season. 12:45 pm - Motivate myself to run a few errands. I go to Joseph Beth to try and pick up a book I ordered for a friend’s new baby, but they cannot find it anywhere. They look through basically the whole store and are so flummoxed because it’s not where to be found. They offer to order it for me again, and of course I don’t pay for it because I prepaid for the first copy. It should be in in a couple days. I also stop by Target and return a part of a gift I didn’t end up using ($11.64 back on my card). For a brief second I contemplate looking around for things I don’t need, but I restrain myself and just walk back to the car. Drive over to Warby Parker and get my glasses adjusted. I got them a couple weeks ago and they’re a little loose, they keep sliding down my nose. I am in and out in 5 minutes with snug glasses. 1:45 pm - On my way home I decide that nachos would be delicious and I have no interest in cooking. I call in an order to go. I swing by and pick them up and head home. $13.28 (including tip) 2:15 pm - Enjoy my nachos while I watch more Catfish. I can never understand the people on this show, so much cringe. 5:00 pm - Get in the shower and use one of my favorite hair products (Virtue Restorative Treatment Mask). It smells so good and makes my hair feel amazing. 6:00 pm - I sit down to paint my nails, so of course I don’t touch anything for an hour afterwards just to preserve my nails. After they’re fully dry I eat the rest of my nachos. 11:00 pm - Again, the night is a blur. I set up things for coffee and smoothie in the morning, brush my teeth, and get in bed. Total spent: $13.28 Day 5 - Monday, 2/24 6:00 am - Slow goings on Monday, of course. Start the coffee, rinse my face, put in contacts, put on FAB serum and moisturizer, and same makeup as usual. I make a smoothie (greens, grapes, peach, berries, and protein powder) and pack up my lunch and breakfast. 6:50 am - Make a coffee to go and hit the road. 7:30 am - Arrive at work. Drink coffee and smoothie, eat a mini Kit Kat too for good measure. 12:00 pm - Lunch time. My leftovers are pretty sad at this point, but I power through. I also drink a mini Diet Coke I brought from home. 12:30 pm - When I get back to my desk I eat a cup of mandarin oranges and a cup of diced mangoes. 2:30 pm - Break time, and enjoy some Thin Mints. I sound like all I did was eat this day, I swear there was work happening too! 4:00 pm - Get in my car to leave and my gas level is almost in the danger zone. I decide to chance it and get it when I get back to town. 4:30 pm - Roll up to the gas station almost on fumes. I fill up my tank. $14.00 Then I go to Kroger and get things for the week: cucumber, peppers, bananas, apples, spinach, blueberries,refried beans, turmeric spice tea, sleepytime time, coconut milk, pasta sauce, lentils, cheese (ricotta), cheese (parmesan), more cheese (queso fresco), frozen broccoli, frozen orange chicken, frozen meal, toilet paper, and vitamins. $56.28 5:20 pm - Get home and put away the groceries and make the frozen orange chicken for dinner. I also make some rice to serve it over. It’s pretty good. 7:30 pm - Head to trivia a little early so I can watch Jeopardy before. I order a beer when I get there. 8:00 pm - My trivia partner arrives! We do pretty well the first half. I order another beer during the second half. 10:00 pm - We place! Our betting strategy pays off. We split the winnings and I end up adding the tip to my balance. $11.00 10:15 pm - Back home. I take a quick shower, brush my teeth, and do the sink full of dishes. Then, bed. Total spent: $81.28 Day 6 - Tuesday, 2/25 3:40 am - Wake up very confused and thinking I overslept. I look at the time and almost immediately fall back asleep. 6:00 am - Now, up for real. I rinse my face off, put on some moisturizer, put in contacts, put on makeup, and brush teeth. I pack up lunch, chips and salsa leftover from the to go food on Sunday, mango cup, banana, and apple. 6:50 am - Hit the road. 7:30 am - Get to work and immediately make a cup of coffee. 9:30 am - Eat the chips and salsa for breakfast. Weird choice, put delicious. Also make another cup of coffee. Today’s podcasts are Up First and Armchair Expert. 11:15 am - Someone says they’re getting pizza for lunch and I’m easily persuaded. I get a personal pan pizza and drink. I don’t have any cash on me, but I’ll hop down to the ATM later. 12:00 pm - This pizza is delicious and so much better than my sad, old packed lunch. 2:30 pm - I head to the ATM with the intent of getting cash but it says they’re going to charge me an additional $2 charge, which seems silly. (Later I looked into this and my bank would have reimbursed me for this fee, in addition to the standard “not their ATM fee.” So next time I’ll just get the money, knowing I’ll be reimbursed for the fees.) Instead I tell my coworker I’ll pay them back tomorrow. Of course they say that’s fine, so I set myself a reminder to stop by my bank’s ATM. I also go ahead and email Allure Beauty Box to cancel my subscription. I prepaid for a 3 month subscription in December, but I have no need to continue. I already have way too many things to get through. I did get a lot of good products from the 3 boxes I got though, plus they always release full spoilers way in advance so you know if you’ll like it or not. 4:00 pm - Time to head home. When I get home I unpack my bags and get into comfortable clothing. 5:30 pm - I heat up leftover orange chicken and rice and add some frozen sauteed kale to the bowl. I also pack up the rest of the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. I forgot to thaw the ground beef lasagna roll ups I was going to make for lunches, so this will do. I also go ahead and put the ground beef in the fridge so I can make them tomorrow. 7:00 pm - I watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy, one of my favorite nightly activities. 8:00 pm - I read a little of A Selfie as Big as the Ritz by Lara Williams. I really enjoyed Supper Club so I decided to give this a try. So far it’s good. I got it from the library. If you’re not a member of your local library, join now! 9:00 pm - Take my make up off, wash my face, use some Bare Essentials serum I got in my last Allure Box, FAB Ultra Repair Cream, and random eye cream. I floss (finally finished this thing of floss!) and brush my teeth. 10:15 pm - Not feeling super tired so I make some tea. I laugh a little that I’m drinking my sleepytime tea from a Cafe du Monde mug, not exactly a wild Fat Tuesday over here. I do wish I had eaten some beignets today though. 11:00 pm - Finally crawl into bed. Total spent: $0 Day 7 - Wednesday, 2/26 6:00 am - Wake up and start the coffee. I rinse my face, put on some FAB serum and moisturizer, and brush my teeth. Then I get dressed, pack up my leftovers and a mango cup, make the coffee to go, and head out the door. I leave a couple minutes early so I can swing by the ATM. 6:45 am - Swing through the ATM and get cash out for yesterday’s pizza. $6.00 I realize as I’m pulling out of the ATM that I forgot to put on any jewelry before I left the house. This feels strange. 7:30 am - Get to work, give the cash to my coworker, and get to work. 9:30 am - I’ve already had a delicious breakfast of Girl Scout cookies (Thanks A Lots), so I make another cup of coffee. I work on today’s crossword and, quite frankly, crush it. 12:00 pm - Lunch time. I eat and read MDs. 2:30 pm - Aimlessly peruse Sephora’s website to see if there’s anything I need. Surprise, there is not. Why do I do this to myself!? 4:00 pm - Leave work. On the commute home I hear there’s an accident that may affect my route. 4:30 pm - Get right into town and already see traffic. I make this so much harder on myself and attempt to try another path. 5:15 pm - Everyone else had the same idea. I try another route and I just keep getting stuck and frustrated. I feel so trapped in this mess of traffic. I know everyone else is too, but still. I silently rage and get myself on another path. 6:30 pm - I almost cry as I finally walk through my front door. Not being in control of my situation is so maddening to me. I pour myself a glass of wine from a box I have and sit on the couch. I read about the accident and see there were multiple fatalities and now I feel like a dunce. I remind myself to be thankful that I’m here in one piece and let a little chaos go. 7:00 pm - Watch Wheel of Fortune and contemplate dinner. I had big, big plans to roast veggies for tacos for dinner tonight, make lasagna rolls for lunches, and chop up veggies for snacks. That is not happening now. Instead I opt for a bowl of buttery, cheesy pasta. I watch jeopardy while I eat. 10:30 pm - Wash my face, put on some retinol and moisturizer, brush my teeth, and get in bed. I read a little and play solitaire on my phone before I fall asleep. Total spent: $6.00 Weekly Total Spent: $163.40 Food + Drink: $102.02 Fun + Entertainment: $40.38 Home + Health: $0 Clothes + Beauty: $0 Transport: $21.00 Reflection: This week seems pretty average. I spend most of my money on food and drink. I don’t usually eat out 3 times in one weekend, so that’s a little odd. I try to limit my work week spending so I can splurge a little on weekends. This has really shown me that I need to look more into my pension! It’s such a hard system to log into that I normally ignore it, but I need to plan quarterly reviews of it, just to keep tabs of it. Since I got rid of my CC debt, I’m hoping to really build up my emergency fund and then start living on last month’s income (keep enough in my account for 1 month worth of expenses). I am a total numbers nerd and if my calculations/budgets are correct this should happen by the end of the summer.
You wake up, not in a cold sweat, but in a hot shame. Your daughter’s crying at 2:57 AM, so you put her on her changing station and throw away the old diaper. You shake your head as you recall writing “$0.00 – sorry, the Redskins didn’t cover” on the tip line of your restaurant receipt, and you consider the merits of trading places with the discarded diaper. The ESPN highlights from last night play in your mind like colorized footage of bombing runs on cityscapes from World War 2. It’s dark in the nursery, and the baby is crying. She’s pounding the changing station the same way you pounded the table when the Falcons recovered a fumble in the endzone to tilt the score above your under bet. Suddenly, she stops, and in a single moment the tantrum and the tears are completely silenced. Did her neo-natal mind reach a revelation? Was she already smart enough not to take Jared Goff on the road, even against a spiraling Cowboys team? She clears her throat, and it feels like a moment before her first words. The silence reaches a crescendo, and you’re afraid she’s going to condemn you for devastating her college fund with her first words. Hands outstretched in breathless anticipation, a strange confidence comes over you. It reminds you of the confidence you felt when you took Hodges to have 3 or fewer INTs in your player props. Then, a tremendous fart erupts. Nothing oozes like a shit. Phase I: Denial It didn’t happen. The Raiders didn’t heartbreak their home faithful in the last game Oakland will ever see against a road Jaguars team that had lost six straight. (The Jags hadn’t won since October!) The Titans didn’t lose to the Texans, who got beat at home last week by the Broncos, 38-24. (Carlson missed two late field goals!) The Arizona Cardinals didn’t score 38 points when they’ve only scored more than 30 once this season. (How did the refs escape Oakland Coliseum with their lives?) Home favorites are 47-81-5 ATS. How is that reality? It didn’t happen. Phase II: Anger Fuck the slate this week. From the predictable Patriots win to Eli Manning beating the Dolphins, and the media treating it like he just slayed Tom Brady in the Super Bowl for a third time. That asshole barely breaks in the top 3 quarterbacks to have the name Manning, and they want to talk about his hall of fame candidacy? Fuck the Jets for rolling over so predictably in a primetime game. Fuck the Bengals for tanking so apparently so they can acquire Joe Burrow just to trade him to another team that knows what the fuck they’re doing 2 seasons down the road from now. Fuck the Panthers for the backdoor cover in a non-division game that didn’t mean shit to them. Fuck the Bears for losing and not making the playoffs, ruining another future bet that looked so right. Fuck the Broncos for their horse-faced GM – Never has a quarterback’s face looked more like the team he represented* – Fuck the Titans for blowing such an obvious home smash spot. Fuck the Redskins for blowing the game, the spread, and the future in the same ham-fisted fumble. Fuck the Browns for losing what should have been a Baker Mayfield revenge game - No wonder Kingsbury didn’t start you, cuz. You suck. – Fuck the Chargers for Jekyll and Hyding again between last week’s 45-10 win on the road and today’s 39-10 loss at “home” – Rivers has a field goal’s worth more kids than playoff wins. Fuck the Super Bowl hungover Rams, and that’s all they deserve. Fuck the 49ers for looking tremendous against the Ravens and the Saints, only to come home and collapse like Weekend at Bernie’s. Fuck the Steelers for their dogged determination in the face of Vietnam-esque casualties. And fuck the Raiders anyway. Fuck those 53 assholes, and the sorry division they belong to. Fuck the AFC West, led by Patrick Mahomes and his Kermit the Frog voice. Fuck the AFC altogether, and then throw in the NFC for good measure. Fuck the impotent league commissioner, who has only made the game slower, softer, and outright worse. Ironic because players have only grown faster, stronger, and outright better. Fuck the losers this week, and fuck the winners. And fuck me for betting on this chaos. *Ryan Fitzpatrick with Tampa last year did look like a damn Buccaneer. Phase III: Bargaining Still not through with anger. Like trying to trade losses for going Christmas shopping with my sister is going to mean a damn now? Phase IV: Depression You don’t have any skin in the game, because you have neither thick skin nor game. You’re the worst kind of bettor: a play-it-safe heart bettor. Always chasing the underdog narrative so long as the narrative is comfortably favored by at least -140. You disgrace competition with your soft decision-making. You’re sloppy. The house knows it by the look of you, loose wager receipts coming out of your cheap clothes. When virtuous people think of gambling, they think of a lurid cesspool, and you’re the direct embodiment of it. Why do you do it, you desperate sack of oozing shit? Phase V: Acceptance. Take a deep breath. If you go max bet on the Saints minus points, you can start to recoup some of the devastation. Brissett is a lock to throw a pick. And of course Jack Doyle will score a tuddy. Then, next week the Packers and Patriots are a lock, so you throw them in a parlay. And Bucs-Texans will go over…
PRE-RAMBLE: If you don't know who I am, just skip this, honestly, you won't like it so, why bother upsetting yourself on a game day that will likely end in us being victorious. We won't have a ton of wins this year so don't bother getting confused and bummed out by my stupid shit. Just skip this. For the rest of you!! (read: for about 9 of you) Don’t call this a comeback!!! The reports are in; you miss me, well 4 of you miss me and that’s enough for this week at least. And to be honest, it’s probably the last of it. Seriously, don’t this a comeback because I’m ghosting y’all after this one. Why did I go away? Well, I’m still here I’m not just hated, a pariah even, because I have had the audacity to say that we may not be a very good football team. I only say that because our record is 4 wins 137 losses since our last Super Bowl, I think...I’m not sure though, I counted very quickly and completely in my head without checking the internet at all. I feel like I remember winning 4 games though, right? Maybe. We seem to live in a world where you’re either called a Nazi or a Snowflake and there is no in between and that has spread to this, and every other sub. You either love the Giants and bow down to every move they make or you’re “not a real fan.” I love this team and I absolutely hate the owner and GM. Both things are possible, don’t @ me. Tase me bro, but don't @ me. Father Tip: (I’m a dad now so I’m very wise) If you agree with anyone 100% of the time you lack intelligence or you aren’t paying attention. To prove how much you must drink the Kool Aid there is a current post about how evil the Bad-Man-Baby-Fondler Jerry Reese was and how Poor-Old-Mr-Nice-Man Dave Gettleman is doing his, awh-shucks, best. Here’s the truth, they can both stink. One can be slightly better than the other, or they can both be decent for what they were asked to do when they were asked to do it. It’s pretty likely that they’re both okay and neither is great. Jerry Reese was the head of pro-player scouting and did a great job of bringing in talent off the streets, whereas DG was a head scout and his drafts prove that out. We look back at Reese drafts with the benefit (really through the shit-colored glasses) of time and we look at Gettleman drafts through the lens of “if player X improves in year Y he’ll be great!” Remember how BJ Hill was going to be an All Pro player because he had a good game against the Bears last year and now he’s lost his starting job to a player who wasn’t good enough for the god damn Jets? Yeah, well remember Reuben Randle had 71 receptions for just under 1,000 yards? We are waiting to see what BJ Hill becomes and meanwhile we remember Randle as, well, not great player. In fact, most of us pretend Randle was pure trash. I’m not saying Gettleman is a fat, worthless, arrogant, piece of shit just like I’m not saying the Reese was some smooth talking, handsome, young black man. I’m saying they’re both GMs in their respective days who, likely, should have remained scouts. Head scouts at that, but scouts because they both have strengths and weaknesses and being GMs isn't their strengths. I always admired on Reese looked cool while making bad decisions. Thought that was fun, I wish Dave Gettleman didn’t look like an assistant, overnight manager at Duane Reade who doesn’t quite understand how pants fit. Anyway, this is why I’m not around. I’m not around, insofar as doing these write ups, because of the decline from spirited conversation toward dogmatic hero worship. Also, John Mara is a dickless turtle who should get fucked in his ear until his brain starts making better decisions about his billion dollar product. Also, this post is in response to a “what happened to him” post. Many of you have come to this sub after I stopped posting these so, for you, just know that I’m just some old fuck waving his cane at the internet. If anything these posts started as well crafted scouting reports with lots of dumb jokes and they slowly turned into drunken jokes with very few “facts” thrown in just to keep me honest (I was never honest, I’m not a reporter and nobody is fact checking me. I'm just an asshole who drinks too much.) Anyway this is for jimhendersonnovellianthollenb1stevo2115elkgraveystarvinart /uTheMisterIt and thatsyurblood even though he’s just here for the nintendo of it all – and especially for glaci0us who can’t get my fucking user name right. GIANTS VS JETS RIVALRY The Giants lead the all time series 8-5. What? Seriously? 13 whole fucking games? Why do people call this a rivalry? We’re in different divisions. We’ve never played a meaningful game against each other. We share the worst stadium in the league. Seriously, I’ve been to prisons, for work, all up and down the Hudson river and the ugliest prison I saw was MetLife Stadium. The Snoopy Bowl??? Shut. The. Fuck. Up. First of all, Snoopy didn’t ever play football, if he weren't a cartoon he'd be a god damn dog. Charlie Brown at least tried to be a kicker but that stupid asshole Violet Gray, was a worse holder than Tony Romo in the playoffs and kept ruining it for Charlie. Seriously, that little girl charged for Psychiatry? You need a license for that shit and also, you’re mean to everyone and you’re a terrible person; what makes you think you could be a therapist?! Fuck her, fuck Snoopy, fuck corporate sponsored stadiums that still ask for tax dollars to be built, and fuck that giant cement turd in the middle of a swamp that has fancy blue or green lights depending on the Sunday. Fuck sharing. Especially fuck sharing with a redneck cousin, which is essentially what the Jets are. Hey Jets, why don’t you move to Staten Island like the trash that you are. (Note: I have only been to Staten Island once and found it lovely. This joke was cheap and doesn’t really mean much of anything so don’t get all offended like a whiny turd.) If anything this is a sibling rivalry, at best. That is, if your younger sibling had just barely enough geneses to be considered a human – but definitely not the right amount. Having to share a stadium with these fucking turds is like when your mom bought you a new video game and half an hour into playing it she’s all like; “Okay, TheMisterIt let’s let your brother try it too.” And it’s like; “hey bitch, did you buy it for me or for thatsyurblood? Because you go away for 8-10 hours a day to work and for those hours I don’t have a mother, so maybe you could tell that job to give you enough money to buy 2 god damn video games. Hey, why don’t you take off your pants and send them to Aunt Carol...I think she should have a turn! You’ve had them on long enough.” Or you know, maybe you have a better relationship with your mother, what do I know? Point is, we don’t really hate the Jets for being the Jets, if anything we should hate that our parents are too god damn cheap to move us to our own apartments. Stick the Giants in Brooklyn, or Queens, or Meadowlands on the Hudson, leave us in Northern Jersey – I don’t care, just give us our own home and put a fucking roof on it so you can make money in the winter, you stupid, too proud to be “old school” morons. “Why would we want to sell out our stadium in February for a Billy Joel concert followed by a week of sold Taylor Swift concert, when instead we can keep a roof off of it and make it look like a computer generated stadium in Madden ‘95?” says Mara, who I remind you, is dickless. Let’s never forget that John Shitfuck Mara is the cowardly turtle grandson of a great man who gambled and cheated his way into being a very rich man. He was a god damn gangster! Meanwhile Little Johnny is all mushy mouthed and says things like; “mmmmmmmmI don’t know….I mean…..if the fans are sad about Eli not playing maybe I should hire a GM 100% based on the idea that he still thinks Eli is cute enough to get us wins.” That’s not the apple falling far from the tree, it’s the apple falling off the tree and crying despite the fact that it is, in fact, an apple and not a human. And shut up...I love Eli. I would encourage my wife blow him for 17 days straight if it meant he was able to stand in the pocket over the past 4 years and deliver the football like he knows he should have. But that just wasn’t going to happen because he was “seeing ghosts.” Or no wait, he was seeing actual players who were actually destroying him because he actually had an actually terrible offensive line. Just like Danny Dimes does currently. The difference is Eli know AARP and Danny never lived in a world where he had to yell at one of his 93 siblings to get off the phone because he wanted to look up “key words: Bewbs.” The translation to that is Eli would die if he were hit and Danny is too young to know that he's slowly dying by playing football. Rivalry? Nope. I don’t buy it. I don’t like them because growing up they were on TV after the Giants and it put me to sleep because I grew up in the era when the Jents sucked...which is every era save for about 6 seasons sprinkled in since they became a franchise. A NOTE TO MR. BARKLEY, RB DAD I used to have a father. He didn’t care about me much. We’d talk once in a while. But if I were good at anything in this world, which I am not, and found success in it, which I never will - he would come on board and support me and I have absolutely no questions about that. Meanwhile, Saquon’s father is going to wear a fucking Jets jersey? How god damn pathetic is that? This legit, all bullshit aside, makes me very sad for both of them. I don’t know their relationship and maybe it’s not my place to be sad for them but god damn it sounds fucking awful to have your own father at your game openly only half routing for you. Of course Saquon is a home run hitter. Of course he’s also trying to turn a 2 yard gain into a TD, he grew up watching the Jets so from age 5 through 19 he only say 4 touchdowns scored by his favorite team. And his dad is a bigger fan of that than he is of his fully grown, other-worldly sperm. I have a daughter and whatever she wants to do, I’ll support her. If she’s like; “Dad, I want to do porn because blowing penises is the greatest thing in the world so I’ve signed with Vivid Entertainment.” I will run out, that same day and get my Brazzers Tattoo removed. Or at least covered up. I get that our fandom runs deep but if your a bigger fan of a jersey (that has different people wearing it every single year) than you are of the person your wife spent 2 years carrying and feeding from her body...a child who you worked your ass off to protect and love, if that jersey means more to you than that kid...I don't know man. I'm just sad as fuck for you. (I looked up his name this morning and now I forgot it and I don’t want to spend another second thinking about him so that's why I didn't name him. I cannot stress this enough, this story breaks my heart for Saquon and Saquon is my dude so I’m now forever mad at his father on his behalf. We don’t know how much our parents have fucked us up until after they’re gone for a while and we do a lot of work on it - likely in therapy. This is definitely damaging to Saquon no matter what he says or even if he doesn’t realize it yet. His father is actively putting a sport above his family. That’s the least manly thing I’ve ever heard. It’s also the least motherly thing I’ve ever heard but in this case we aren’t talking about chicks brah. We’ll talk about chicks later ) WHEN THE JETS HAVE THE BALL Imagine the scene, 3 years ago, Ben RoethlisDouble!uarterPounderWithCheeseAndSexualAssault, Antonio BrownSoundAlsoWithSexualAssault, and Le’vitation Bell were all on the same team and that team still couldn’t win it all. Imagine how difficult it would be for future Inbredskin’s coach Mike Epps to hold all that together without incident or really any meaningful victories with that talented and insane crew. (Note the Inbredskins are so fucking stupid I bet Danny Snybro would actually hire Mike Epps just because he looks like that Pittsburg bro.) Now imagine you were the best part of that trio and you spend an entire year not playing so you could be rewarded handsomely the following year. Only to be rewarded by being sent off to the ugly step-brother of NY, in a team who hired a coach seemingly just to make Pat Shurmur look like a genius by comparison. You almost have to feel bad for Bell but then again, he’s pretty fucking rich so he's clearly winning over us mere non-sports playing assfarts. The Jests offense is as bad as they come, literally they're worst in the league in YPG, 2nd to last in PPG at 12 fucking points per game...what?! That's so bad it sounds fake and yet, somehow, as if by magic and cancer Washington is even worse. They have decent skill players though. Sam Darnold was set back in his progression a bit this season by a few things; firstly he had his open mouth kiss and it made his tummy hurt so he had to take some time off, secondly Adam Gase sucked Peyton Manning’s dick into a 2nd head coaching job, and thirdly he might be fat? I don’t know. He’s got the round stupid face of a much fatter human. Is that why he sucks now? Will someone please tell me if he’s fat or if his face is just an inflatable safety device. Tell me!!! By the way I rather like the new NY Jeff’s uniforms, they’re pretty cool. It’s the best part about their team. It’s almost like they’re not a bottom 5 organization in every single possible way – but they are. “Hey we may suck forever but check out this new shade of green!!” Fuck me, I fell for it. I like it.
They have Robby Anderson who can flat out fly, the danger is that he can never reach top speed because he’s too thin and the breeze it creates by running actually will lift him off the ground. He has a 49% catch rate so, when Sam The Virgin throws the ball towards Bob there is an equal chance he catches the ball as there is a chance that he catches Mono.
Jamison Crowder is pretty much the definition of a store brand slot receiver. He is to slot receivers what Jamison is to whiskey; he’s fine if he’s your first slot receiver and you plan on growing out of him in a few years and moving on to something that doesn’t taste like the mouth of a college junior girl who thought she was supposed to gain a freshman 15 each semester for her first 3 years. And if this is all triggering for you, don’t worry, you’ll grow out of liking Jamison or you’ll just have to admit that you’re a coward with shit tastes.
Demariyius Thomas is on the team and you shouldn’t care, the Jeffs certainly don’t care why would you?
Jesus. That was exhausting. Almost as exhausting as it would be to pretend that I’ve watched the Jeffs play a single game this season. I used to watch the team we were going to face every weekend before we faced them. But that was when I did this scouting reports before. I didn’t know I was going to write this up until there was a post BEGGGING (read: not a single person suggested) that I do another one. Also, last week they played the Dolphins. I picked the Dolphins in a survivor pool. That’s how little I think of the Jets. And yet, I’m scared we find a way to lose this game.
Sam Darnold will always be hated by a large portion of the Giants fan base because the other portion thought we should have drafted a QB so the portion who didn’t think we should draft a QB because Saquon Barkley is a generational talent, well that group now hates Darnold because if it turns out Darnold is good they may not have been right and if you find that confusing to follow it should be because literally none of it matters. Sam Heyarnold is a decent football quarterback who will likely get better and he will be one of the top QBs in the league at some point, never a top 5 but neither was Eli. He’ll be a really decent QB though. He’s also much more mobile than people think; mostly because he’s white and you’ve been conditioned by ESPN or NFL Network, or by talk radio or podcasts, or however you choose to pass the meaningless time in your meaningless life (I LIKE THE BACHELOR!!! ;) that white = non-athlete, despite the fact that there are literally dozens of examples of that being wrong, in just the last 100 years alone!!
Anyway, Dam Sarnold is fine, I feel bad because Adam Gase may look like 3rd act of Philadelphia Tom Hanks but he coaches like first act of Forrest Gump Tom Hanks and that’s holding Samwise Darngy back...is he fat!? Is Sam Darnold fucking chubby or not!? What to say about Adam Gase that has already been said by your asshole the morning after drinking 47 Bud Lights, eating a slice of pizza and then deciding that you should chase that down with an entire pizza but you’re going to cover it with hot sauce and then that hot sauce giving you a second wind so you drink 13 IPAs and think greasy ass chicken wings will really mend this bridge so you won’t fee sick the next day, and you smoke a joint a fall asleep. Then you wake up and think; “this is very much not my bed and this is very much not my home, I’ve got to get out of here.” You sit up and your head feels like a camera just pulled in tight on your face while playing a sad trombone into “Mad World” the Gary Jules version. You can barely stand, let alone sneak around. But when you get to your feet you realize, whomever’s home this is, you’re going to have to pay a visit to the toilet before you...no! You can’t!!! So you dash out of the house, half dressed, half retarded, and half dead – look at the sun because suddenly you think you’ll have a directional sense of where your home is, knowing that has never been the case before. You stumble a block or two and you run into your cuntiest Aunt. Aunt Carol and you say; “Oh wow, nice pants!” And she says they were your mothers but she sent them randomly one day then she says she’s so glad you could make it to the brunch. You think; “Brunch?” not realizing you said it aloud and she says; “Yeah, for Stacy’s wedding, it’s at the diner here.” You think about how that’s definitely a breakfast and not a brunch but you look up to see the diner and theres your god damn grandmother and she looks at you like a child at a puppy on Christmas so you have to go now. So you choke a turd back up into your asshole by about 4 feet and you put on a smile. “Hi Nana,” you say because despite being nearly 80 she says “grandma” makes her “feel old.” You go in, sit down and immediately order a coffee. You take three sips and it triggers something deep inside you and you stand to go to the bathroom but your stomach only allows you half stand, half crouch, you yell something about back pain as you shuffle to the bathroom, which is more spacious than you anticipated. You run for the first stall you see, it’s gross, there’s a swastika carved in the seat and slightly more piss on the seat than there is fresh water remaining on the Earth so you rip your pants down and hover, you’re barely aimed correctly as you start to fire and quickly learn why there’s often shit up the back of the bowl. You ruin it. The toilet will never again be the same. You feel lighter. You’ve feel like you’ve shed the memories of 6 exes. And you hear a slightly southern voice on the other side of the stall saying; “hell yeah dude, that sounds amazing, get after it!” You wipe..you wipe again...fuck it, you wipe until you bleed and when you exit he’s still standing there, slowly clapping. It’s Peyton Manning. He’s the only person who appreciates Adam Gase and now you finally know why. That toilet. That’s Adam Gase. (Imagine that were a port-a-potty instead of a diner, and you have Ben McAdoo.) We’re similar offenses:
Bob Andy is a deep threat, so is Darius Slayton – advantage Jeffs, as neither can “catch the ball” but at least one has experience.
Golden Tate and TheMaryLess Thomas both used to be viable NFL WR’s. Neither can separate anymore but both are good at making contested catches. Tate offers more after the catch, he’s the better player. Advantange; Patriots, Broncos, Eagles, Seahawks, and Lions for saying goodbye to them when the time was appropriate...but also us.
Bad Whiskey and Shepard would be the comp normally and they’re pretty even players if you are honest about who Shepard is as a player, and we generally speaking as a group are not honest about that. We tend to look at him as one of the best slot receivers in the league and he’s top 15 for sure but not a game changer in any situations so far in his career. But, Shepard is out, so Fowler? Latimer? Does it matter? Nope. Advantage Jerks.
Bell and Barkley are both great backs who can do everything...other than Barkley who cannot pass protect to save his Danny’s life. Barkley is the better player at this point but his ankle clearly isn’t 100% and Shurmur clearly doesn’t know how to use a dynamic RB. They would both be amazing with different coaching but still, due to the ankle, it’s pretty much a wash. Though Barkley offers a dynamic play or two where B’ell really only offers consistently good runs...but not really at all this year. Advantage Giants but slighter than a healthy Barkley would give us.
Dimes vs Mono. There is a pro-Grundleman faction of this sub that will not have made it this far anyway, so let’s just be honest, it’s a wash. Yes, we know know that D’arnold Palmer believes in ghosts, which is pretty fuckin lame, so that hurts him. They both could end up being very good QBs, let’s stop pretending that, just because he’s maybe fat? I don’t know, is he? ...let’s stop pretending Sammy Makeout Darnold has no shot of being a good QB just to fit a narrative of how we shouldn’t have drafted him. Listen up dummies; “WE DIDN’T DRAFT HIM, IT’S OVER, YOU CAN CALM DOWN NOW!!!” - the guy who used all caps. Just because you need to justify taking Barkley over a QB doesn’t change the fact that they both show flashes of being very good and flashes of a broken gif of a toilet flushing. They’re young QBs. That’s how it works.
Oof, shall we talk about our defense here? Betcher was hired because he blitzed all the time in Arizona. Now he never blitzes. In part because why would he even bother? We can rush 11 and QBs still stand in there and have time to let the play develop. Our defensive roster is so gross that I actively spend a majority of my week drowning myself to try to induce some sort of water-logged-brain-CTE situation. We haven’t drafted a good linebacker since I started ejaculating...I’m 40. We had a decent safety who left to get overpaid, fair. Fine. But we replaced him with CC Brown from the Browns and went and signed CC Brown from the Cardinals. I hope that Peppers ends up being a spicy player who is nothing to sneeze at but right now, he’s just a guy who is likely to be ground up in the passing game. I hope that Bethea goes away. And he will but not after really hurting us this year. Janory Jenky has officially lost the right to be called Jckrbbit because he stinks and refuses to try for more than 10-15 plays a game. Baker’s problem in the draft was that people thought he lacked effort and relied on his natural talents to get by...it sure would be nice to at least see those natural talents that they were talking about. Actually, I came on the board recently to defend him a bit, he’s done much, much better over the past few weeks. He still hasn’t been very good but he’s been better and that’s all I really want; to see the young players improve. So stop saying “this year is about getting better” and then also arguing that Baker is a piece of shit. Sure, he’s not great but he’s literally doing the one thing we all want. Imagine that, the president of the Dave Gettleman is a Fat Shit Fan Club defending a Dave Fat Shit Gettleman draft pick!!! It’s almost as if there is nuance in the world...who would have thunk it? I have been told by many people that we have linebackers on our roster but I have seen no evidence of this. I refuse to believe it/acknowledge them. Some players have LB numbers but really are playing DE in sub and those guys are Lorenzo “if he improves in year 2 we’ll be fine at edge rusher” Carter who has not really imporved at all in year two but has 2.5 sacks and 8 QB hits. Oshane “I know he went to small school but he’s going to be the steal of the draft” Ximines who has not really been much of a steal but played almost exactly to the level at which he was drafted, has 2 sacks and 4 QB. And Markus “Hey, alright!” Golden who leads the way with 5.5 sacks, 13 QB hits and gives more effort than just about anyone on the team. (note: I think DG stinks at evaluating pro-level players and is a very, very excellent college scout. I think that he’s fantastic at drafting talent but it isn’t always the talent the team needs because he’s not great at roster construction. I’m very vocal about all of this as you’ve seen. And yet, I think signing Golden was a great move and he was absolutely right and I was absolutely wrong. Guess what; it’s okay to be wrong! Humility, especially when it’s involving something we have zero effect on, should be/can be easy.) (Note on that note: part of why I didn’t want to do these is because I knew I’d use them to lecture at some point...sorry about that. Could delete it but I won’t because, let’s be honest, I really never edited these all that much and I’ve also preached a bunch in other spots too. Whatever. You can stop reading at any point.) DL: one of the funniest things I read was about how Leonard Williams was telling his Giants’ teammates all about the Jats. I can only imagine that there is “Hard Knocks” style room where the entire team is sitting, knock on wood if you know what I mean, and Williams raises his hand in the air. Head Coach Patrick J. (don’t know his middle initial) Shurmburn is like; “yes, Lenny?” Knock on wood if you like calling him Lenny. Lenny; “Yo, coach, I think I know a thing or two about the BasicallyDolphins, if you know what I mean,” and an 80’s style laugh track plays out of nowhere, knock on wood if you feel me. He comes to the front of the room and he looks very seriously at each player, which takes a long time because there are about 90 people in the room with the practice players, coaching staff, training staff, and a woman named Margo who just hangs around whenever they let her. Lenny is a bit shy but he clears his throat, looks down and collects himself before looking back up and saying; “they are pretty bad at football...um..that’s pretty much it.” Knock on wood if you think the Raider’s season of Hard Knocks was the worst one ever. Our DL is pretty decent. There isn’t a single player on it that really scares you but there are good players across the board. BJ Hill had a good game against the Bears last year, Dexter Lawrence is the Odell Beckham of DTs, Dalvin Tomlinson was drafted by Jerry Reese so you probably hate him, and RJ McIntosh tricks you every time you see him because you’re like; “90? Is that...oh no, wait though, who the fuck is it?” Honestly, Lawrence was a frustrating draft pick and I was totally wrong, it looks like he’s going to be a complete stud. WHEN THE GIANTS HAVE THE BALL The line was together for every game this season, proving once again that consistency is the most important element to having a great offensive line...not counting “having good players.” Remmers will likely miss this game because his back has been broken since we last drafted a good LB and Halapio is out with Halitosis. That means we get to see...oh it probably won’t matter, if I’m being honest. Remmers has been bad and Halapio has been pronounced differently by every announcer this year and that’s about all we can say positive about him. I guess Gates and Pulley will get the start. Pulley is just as good as Talapia and Gates is, I mean who the fuck knows really? Also out; Sterling Shepard and Evan Engram who are the only two pass catchers on the Giants to create any separation at all this season. Even still, it was about 9 yards. And as I mentioned earlier, Saquon isn’t 100% and that’s clear by looking at him, watching him, touching him, and smelling him; and legally that’s all I’m allowed to do to him until I eventually take my fight all the way to the Supreme Court. Just let me taste the man! How will that hurt anyone?! I think, lowkey, we really miss Corey Coleman. He would be our best KR, though Latimer did well in that role last week, and he would be a good outside receiver. No offense to Slayton, Latimer, and Fowler but they aren’t very good at football. They’re good at football, clearly, they’re in the NFL, actually they’re great at football, until you compare them to other NFL players and that’s when it all starts to fall apart for them. Maybe Slayton turns himself into a player, but I think we’re seeing what he is; he has the ability to make dynamic and great catches and follows that up with not being able to track the ball at all – which oddly has happened to him like at least 5 times since pre-season. I’ve never seen that before. He’s a fantastic athlete though and a bubble screen or a tap pass/reverse would be great to see. But Patricia is bad a play calling and utilizing the talent he has. I hope I’m wrong about Slayton but I think he’ll be a rookie contract value guy who maybe sticks around for another season after that – which isn’t bad for a late draft pick like him. He’s certainly not going to win us any games this year by just taking over. And we really need that this week. We need some WR to really, really show up. So that really puts a lot on Tate. Golden Tate he’s still a good player. He’s not super dynamic but he can catch and can run after the catch. He doesn’t get much seperation and we play him on the outside too much but I bet he gets 6 receptions because in 4/6 games this year he’s had 6 receptions so it seems like a decent guess. CJ Mosley is the starting MLB and he’s out of this game. But he’s only played in 2 games this year so it won’t likely matter one way or the other. A sign of bad linebacker play is when safeties lead the team in tackles which Bethea and Peppers do for us. A very confusing stat is when your corners lead the team in tackles, which is the case for the Jetserbockers. How? Why? It’s not like teams have had to pass against them. So why do their corners lead their team in tackles? It has to be an awful sign. They do have Jamal Adams who is a very good player that we are all thankful doesn’t have a star on the side of his helmet. That’s a good thing. We don’t need the Cowboys to be better at football. They’re already above average and we haven’t seen that since Tony Romo held that field goal just slightly off and the ball fell, and everything went to shit and fuck the Cowboys. Gregg Williams is the DC in well, in our building but on off days. He’s clearly and obviously a scumbag, a bad person, and has horrible hair for a man his age. He’s also aggressive and not smart. He is known for having middle of the road defenses no matter what his roster is. He also runs a lot of 0 blitzes, which is just man to man and you send everyone else. It’s called a 0 blitz because that’s how much imagination it took to design it; zero. Fuck Gregg Williams. Did you know the extra G in Gregg stands for Fuck Gregg Williams? He’s still serving his life-time ban from coaching in the NFL, I think. I don’t really know. Let’s talk Danny real quick. I like the kid. Okay...hows that? Enough? No? Okay fine. Danny Dimes is great, or at least he will be great, or at least he might be great someday, or at least he’ll have great games from time to time. I don’t know. You don’t know. Nobody really knows. He has a problem turning the ball over. He fumbles and throws picks all too often. The interceptions don’t really bother me so much honestly. I’ve grown accustomed to them. It’s really the fumbles. Maybe he should put a glove on like Eli did to show; “I’m not really doing much to fix this but now the papers will leave me alone.” It’s hard for me to say this, I think Danny may end up being better than Eli someday, I think he’ll reach higher highs. Oh, it doesn’t matter for tomorrow though. He should be able to move the ball against the Getts. Saquon is needed, so is Gallman. Honestly, Saquon is hurt and we don’t need a guy to run for 50 yards we need a guy who can run for 5 yards a pop so maybe, just maybe, until our #2 – all world running back is healthy we should use him sparingly. Especially since Gallman is better than people think. He’s a good player. Let him get the run. Meanwhile, Saquon is 35% of our future, Dimes is 40%, and 25% is full of players who aren’t on our roster and our guards. Engram and Shepard may be a part of this but I think Shep is starting to look at the short end of a short career and Engram is like Percy Harvin so much that I half expect him to beat the shit out of Golden Tate out of nowhere. Also, Evan Engram smokes more weed than anyone reading this right now. There’s no way that dude doesn’t get high as fuck all the time. I love it! I love weed. We should all get high all the time. The world is a dystopian nightmare and weed helps you forget that for about 7 seconds and that’s pretty great. So does beer. I also love beer. But that shit is making me fat. Wait, wasn’t I supposed to talk about Saquon? Meh, whatever, he’s fucking amazing, we all know that. He’s better when he tries to run for 8 yards as opposed to 80 but whatever, watching him run for 80 yards once in a while is so much god damn fun. I love watching him run. Watching him run is like watching Eli throw the sideline pass to Manningham in the last game we won. It’s like watching Sunday Night Football and knowing, deep in your heart, that Rodney Harrison still thinks about David Tyree catching that pass in the 2nd to last game we ever won. Honestly I think of Saquon as I did Odell. They’re so god damn amazing that I don’t think we deserve them. Hear me out! We haven’t had a skilled position Hall of Famer (non-QB) since Frank Gifford. Yeah. That’s right. And we’ve got 2 in the Hall of Fame. Listen, I’m not saying that OBJ and Saquon are hall of famers, but they have the talent to be those and the only players we’ve had that even had that talent (again – non-QB because QB is about wins and that’s fucking stupid however you slice it) are Tiki and Shockey. And you guys hate them both. So I don’t know what to even tell you about that. Anyway, growing up in the 80’s and 90’s I felt more nervous when our team was on offense because that’s when bad things happened. Defense, we always had good players and we made plays. So still, even now, when we have highly dynamic offensive skill players it feels wrong to me. Anyway, it feels so conflicting to have great offensive players. We deserve Reuben Randle and Sterling Shepard, decent players with obvious flaws. I don’t know, we’re the Giants, we’re the only blue collar thing left in NY. And when we have fancy ass players like Saquon it feels like new Manhattan. I’m not really focusing on the game because this will be my last write up. So I’m just spilling it all out. Why not right? This shit is taking forever! Fuck it, let’s end it. I really ran out of steam on the offense part because I've had a shit day. So let's just rapid fire some of this in hopes that it will make up for it all.
Danny Dimes has the balls of a much older man. He clearly has a problem with them dropping into the toilet when he shits. The dude stands in the pocket like a warrior...a brave and very, very dumb warrior. Today should be his easiest test of the year, easier probably than playing the Duke scout team.
Saquon's quads are the only thing large than Danny's balls.
Shepard should retire before his brain turns into gravy. Have you seen his wife? His life is pretty great, call it a night bro! Football is fun but jesus fuck.
Engram is the 4th member of Cypress Hill and I have proof.
I don't have proof.
Nate Solder is like an Army Ranger and he knows that there is no I in solder and also when you leave out the I it makes the word completely different and he's not an Army Ranger, he's rather a soft metal who fucking sucks at football. God damn he makes me mad.
I hope Will Hernandez fights everyone today. I love that dude. He's the dirty, gross lineman that we've lacked since Rich Suebert was out there secretly ripping people's dicks off under the piles.
Those sucked...I've lost it! Predictions
We have the better coach!!! Oh man, I don't know when this will happen again, other than the Inbredskins. So we need to win this shit.
Saquon goes for about 80 yards but gets in the end zone, so does Gallman
Danny fumbles but has zero picks!!! Hooray!!!
Tate has 6 receptions
Fowler has a TD
Peppers will have another great game, his 2nd of his career the season
Giants win 27-18 but it will feel much closer than that because we can’t have nice things
FINAL THOUGHTS This wasn’t fun to write and I absolutely guarantee the following comments in some form or another:
“What the hell was this”
“I stopped reading at _____”
anger about Dettleman...or Darnold being decent….or just anger about disagreeing with me, which you should disagree with me, that’s how this works. But getting angry about it is pathetic.
These used to be fun. Sorry that they aren’t anymore, if anyone else wants to take them on – they’re all yours. GIANTS WIN!!! GIANTS WIN!!! AND IF THEY DON’T, THEY MIGHT NOT FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR!!! love you all.
You wake up, not in a cold sweat, but in a scalding shame. Your daughter’s crying at 2:57 AM, so you put her on her changing station and throw away the old diaper. You shake your head as you recall writing “$0.00 – sorry, the Redskins didn’t cover” on the tip line of your restaurant receipt, and you consider the merits of trading places with the discarded diaper. The ESPN highlights from last night play in your mind like colorized footage of bombing runs on cityscapes from World War 2. It’s dark in the nursery, and the baby is crying. She’s pounding the changing station the same way you pounded the table when the Falcons recovered a fumble in the endzone to tilt the score above your Falcons-9ers under bet. Suddenly, she stops, and in a single moment the tantrum and the tears are completely silenced. Did her neo-natal mind reach a revelation? Was she already smart enough not to take Jared Goff on the road, even against a spiraling Cowboys team? She clears her throat, and it feels like a moment before her first words. The silence reaches a crescendo, and you’re afraid she’s going to condemn you for devastating her college fund with her first words. Hands outstretched in breathless anticipation, a strange confidence comes over you. It reminds you of the confidence you felt when you took Hodges to have 3 or fewer INTs in your player props. Then, a tremendous fart erupts. Nothing oozes like a shit. Phase I: Denial It didn’t happen. The Raiders didn’t heartbreak their home faithful in the last game in Oakland will ever see against a road Jaguars team that had lost six straight. (The Jags hadn’t won since October!) The Titans didn’t lose to the Texans, who got beat at home last week by the Broncos, 38-24. (Carlson missed two late field goals!) The Arizona Cardinals didn’t score 38 points when they’ve only scored more than 30 once this season. (How did the refs escape Oakland Coliseum with their lives?) Home favorites are 47-81-5 ATS. How is that reality? It didn’t happen. Phase II: Anger Fuck the slate this week. From the predictable Patriots win to Eli Manning beating the Dolphins, and the media treating it like he just slayed Tom Brady in the Super Bowl for a third time. That asshole doesn’t even break in the top 2 Manning quarterbacks, and they want to talk about his hall of fame candidacy? Fuck the Jets for rolling over so predictably in a primetime game. Fuck the Bengals for tanking so apparently so they can acquire Joe Burrow just to trade him to another team that knows what the fuck they’re doing in 2 seasons. Fuck the Panthers for the backdoor cover in a non-division game that didn’t mean shit to them. Fuck the Bears for losing and not making the playoffs, ruining another future bet that looked so right. Fuck the Broncos for their horse-faced GM – Never has a quarterback’s face looked more like the team he represented* – Fuck the Titans for blowing such an obvious home smash spot. Fuck the Redskins for blowing the game, the spread, and the future in the same ham-fisted fumble. Fuck the Browns for losing what should have been a Baker Mayfield revenge game - No wonder Kingsbury didn’t start you, cuz. You suck. – Fuck the Chargers for Jekyll and Hyding again between last week’s 45-10 win on the road and today’s 39-10 loss at “home” – Rivers has a field goal’s worth more kids than playoff wins. Fuck the Super Bowl hungover Rams, and that’s all they deserve. Fuck the 49ers for looking tremendous against the Ravens and the Saints, only to come home and collapse like Weekend at Bernie’s. Fuck the Steelers for their dogged determination in the face of Vietnam-esque casualties. And fuck the Raiders anyway. Fuck those 53 assholes, and the sorry division they belong to. Fuck the AFC West, led by Patrick Mahomes and his Kermit the Frog voice. Fuck the AFC altogether, and then throw in the NFC for good measure. Fuck the impotent league commissioner, who has only made the game slower, softer, and outright worse. Ironic because players have only grown faster, stronger, and outright better. Fuck the losers this week, and fuck the winners. And fuck me for betting on this chaos. *Ryan Fitzpatrick with Tampa last year did look like a damn Buccaneer. Phase III: Bargaining Still not through with anger. Like trying to trade losses for going Christmas shopping with my sister is going to mean a damn now? Phase IV: Depression You don’t have any skin in the game, because you have neither thick skin nor game. You’re the worst kind of bettor: a play-it-safe heart bettor. Always chasing the underdog narrative so long as the narrative is comfortably favored by at least -140. You disgrace competition with your soft decision-making. You’re sloppy. The house knows it by the look of you, loose wager receipts coming out of your cheap clothes. When virtuous people think of gambling, they think of a lurid cesspool, and you’re the direct embodiment of it. Why do you do it, you desperate sack of oozing shit? Phase V: Acceptance. Take a deep breath. If you go max bet on the Saints minus points, you can start to recoup some of the devastation. Brissett is a lock to throw a pick. And of course Jack Doyle will score a tuddy. Then, next week the Packers and Patriots are a lock, so you throw them in a parlay. And Bucs Texans is going to go over for sure…